So, Monday was my day off and at 1pm I had a Doctor's appointment to get my annual medical test results. It had been exactly one year since my last tests - down to the day.
One year ago I was "Brodie Borderline." Borderline diabetic, borderline hypertension, borderline alcoholic and borderline just about going insane. I felt so sick and so trapped. I use to worry that I might die in my sleep and I often feared going to sleep as I knew that I would wake in an hour or so, chocking, unable to breath from my apnea.
This Monday marked a milestone. It meant a lot to me and I didn't even know how much so.
I was the first appointment for the day and my doctor, greeted me with a new excitement I've not seen in him before. Remember, this is the guy I went to see at my worst and said " I need to move forward - I need to get off this medication". Back then, he showed some slight optimism but I could understand that the poor bloke must see a lot of people each day who don't follow his advice or say they are going to do this and that and never actually do. Anyway, today he seemed particularly animated....
So the good news was I've gone from Brodie borderline to (within) Ranger Rob. But it wasn't a complete turn around. My blood glucose level had come down but it was still a little high and my triglycerides, an indicator of caloric stores had gone from out of control to just inside of range.Doctor seemed really impressed and wants to see me again in about a month.
I walked home after my doctors appointment and as I unlocked my front door, I came to question how I was feeling. I'd expected this to be a moment of pride and achievement but I felt really sad. Something was really troubling me and it had taken me by surprise. I felt very fragile all of a sudden - like you do when you just know you are a breath from falling to pieces. All someone would have to do is blow gently on you and you would shatter.
It was terrible timing as my Dad and his partner were minutes way - due for a lunch date. Of course when they arrived, I started to explain my results - managed to get as far as telling them I wasn't dying from HIV or Syphilis or meningitis and then I got to my blood work and I just broke down. They must have thought I had something seriously wrong with me!
I felt for the first time in a long time, the truth and the severity of my health issues. Of course I was pleased that my results were going in the right direction but knowing where I'd come from in black and white and having to face the reality of my health had made me feel like someone who was seriously sick, but trying to get better. Perhaps I felt better than I actually was. I felt 100% but really, my results were saying you are actually about 50%. and you have a long way to go.
I also saw a clinical sports dietician today. A referal from my Doctor. She made a lot of sense and explained why I might be feeling like I'm about to pass out on Friday at about 4pm. But again, it was highlighting the work to be done and the fact that more needed to be done that made me feel a bit daunted.
Everyday I feel so much better than I did when the first tests were done a year ago but being confronted with the challenges still ahead and the work to be done can be daunting and very bewildering sometimes. I often feel like I'm a very little person on a path through a very big forest and that forest is one I don't know and making my way through it can be very scary. But I throwing every resource I've got at my disposal at this challenge - and I will ultimately succeed. Its just the only option now.
The truth is, most people I come across don't know me or my story. They just see a fat guy and wonder why the hell he's sitting in the reception of the physio or the sport nutritionist or myotherapist or the gym or wonder why I'm seeing and doing all 4. It's not because I don't know what I'm doing. It's not because I think I can throw cash at my problems and pay my way to better health - It's because I don't want to do it alone and I want all the help I can get. Every person who plays a part in helping me - in my mind, sits in 'the B team" ( b as in for brodie) -the pit crew and I'm the racing car.
So, to the B team: My Oscars speech goes like this - To my wonderful family, my hilarious colleagues and great leaders, my incredibly inspiring mentors who came about at the exact right time in my life, my Myotherapist, my dietician, my Doctor, and my many friends - You are the B team and I couldn't do this without you.
I have so very far to go, and sometimes the thought of this truly overwhelms me, but I can not go back and I will not fail. Sometimes it makes it all just that little bit easier knowing I'm not on my own.
Until next time - stay healthy!
x Bro
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