Hi there, my name is Brodie. Today is the third day of a new life for me. Although bloody sore, I'm so proud of the steps I've taken and I have a confidence about myself that I've not had in a long time. Today is day three, although I started upon this journey the day I registered for Max's Challenge 2013 which was the 15th July 2013.
Before I talk about the present and the future - I need to share my journey to today with you all. Part of my inspiration in signing up for the challenge was so that I could document my journey. I wanted to do this for everyone out there like me.
I entered Max's as a public contestant with my full photo to show other people like myself that they don't need to hide. In fact, the day you stop hiding from the world, may be the day you accept where you are, and you turn it all around.
I feel it's important that I dedicate some of my time to writing this blog for others to read. I want people to understand where I came from before the 29th July because I hope it provides some inspiration to those who are where I was not so long ago.
HITTING ROCK BOTTOM
I don't know how to tell someone who is morbidly obese how to find the power inside themselves to change because it's personal to each of us. It's hard to find and believe me, I prayed for the determination to change. I'm an intelligent and thoughtful guy and it broke me up that I couldn't find my drive - and that drive and sense of self-worth was but a pale light above a cloud of self-loathing and negative stuff.
Being morbidly obese is not a choice any of us make. Sadly, in reflection, it's an illness that creeps up on you and builds in energy the same way getting fit does in a positive way to fit people.
Obesity is years of built up bad habits, food addictions, a symptom often of other illnesses both physical and mental. It's a symptom of loneliness, bad relationships (with food and sometimes alcohol too).
Obesity shouts out to the world - 'this guy's got some serious issues and needs help.' How ironic that the perception out there is often one of disgust and the source of other people's jokes and discrimination.
I can't tell you the number of times people have thought I must be deaf as well as fat - commenting as you walk past or cracking jokes as if I can't hear.
There's also a really cruel association people make between intelligence and obesity and obesity and wealth and or success. The first time I went to buy some runners to start my fitness campaign, it was three stores before someone would help me. At one store, I was so embarrassed that the staff were deliberately avoiding me, I ran out feeling so hurt.
Or the first store I went into to buy my Max's supplements for the challenge, the guy said I didn't need them - I was too overweight for them and maybe think about going in the challenge when I'd lost a bit more weight.
Fighting the stigma takes courage.
Obese people are often shy and insecure and hence why food and the couch make such good friends - it's a place of safety and no one judges you there.
So how sad that a loud minority might make us want to scurry home to our couch and pizza.
For me, my obesity took away my social life. As I got bigger, I felt so ashamed having once been so fit. I was too embarrassed to catch up with old friends and got to a stage where I'd cut off everyone I had known and even stopped going to weddings and special events due to what had become a type of social phobia. Too ashamed to show myself. I felt so terrible for not seeing people or for missing special events that it made me feel worse about myself and I would often drink or eat to numb the pain and to keep me company.
Once, I asked my flat mate and best friend about a wedding I had missed and had anyone said anything about me not being there - he said' mate, no one asks any more, it's like you're dead.' And so, I accepted that I was in fact, the living dead. Alive but dead to everyone else now. Better to be dead to everyone than face the shame of who I had become. I remember feeling somewhat relieved by that, although I havalways wa wished people knew what type of place I was in and the real reason for my vanishing. I still struggle to accept that I've lost friends over the years and I hope now, that they will understand.
Besides the social sigma, obesity means you are living day to day feeling often quite ill. For me, before the challenge started, I suffered from among other things, sleep apnoea. This means I would be tortured in my sleep all night long - waking up every half an hour chocking and suffocating. Sometimes I would sit up, tired as all hell on the end of my bed, too scared to lie back down for fear of waking again gasping for air.
It wasn't uncommon for me to fall asleep during the day and I would often need to go sit out the back at work for 15 minutes for a nap in the late afternoon. Ironically I would often not eat during the day because the food made me tired and I couldn't function.
I'd survive the day, scurry home trying to avoid as many people in streets as possible. Sometimes I'd cross the street because I could feel people looking at me. When I finally got home I'd eat to relax and it was the only good thing that would happen in my day.
A simple walk to the local shops took my breath away and just stepping out the door during the day took courage.
It was bad enough I'd gotten to this point, then you get to a place where what you had denied was in the public domain - your size - creeps into the public domain with family and close friends expressing their concern for your life.
That really hurts - when you realise suddenly that your parents might outlive you because you are so sick. It really hurts when your parents and your brothers fear for your life.
My lowest saw me on medication for depression whereby I floated through 12 months of 'nothing' I couldn't feel the anxiety and hopelessness any more. I spent 12 months on an emotional holiday, locked away in my own little world. Nothing changed, I just got fatter and time just drifted on by.
Being a highly creative person, I lost my imagination, my sense of innovation and the things that really made me special and I lost what drive and motivation I still had. Before I was the living dead, now I was nothing....
THE SEEDS OF CHANGE
Change for me was very slow. The beginning was such hard work. People were astounded that I had gone from being a very ambitious and successful person to well, nothing... When there is everything to change and a world of fixing to be done, the task seems literally incomprehensible. You just don't know where to start or what to do.
For me, a few words started ringing in my mind everyday like a tiny tiny drumbeat- 'just move' at that point I was so incredibly stuck and paralysed. It was very like me to analyse and plan and procrastinate and theorise and not actually achieve anything.
So for me - 'just move' meant, just move something. Anything! Any movement personally was an achievement.
My first step was to see my Doctor. I told him exactly that - I wanted to move forward. I actually said to him, 'it's time to move on' I need to start moving forward". Long story short he talked me through a withdrawal from my medication. This was a fairly shaky month or so. I had to learn to stand on my own two feet emotionally. I had one or two severe attacks which drew the attention of my family and led to me finally telling them I had been on medication - I'd been too ashamed to tell them until that point. So sick, I needed medication to make life bearable, and yet to ashamed to share my burdens.
Finally talking through the emotional and mental challenges I had been facing were part of the turning point for me. It allowed me to verbalise my challenges and even my plans to move forward which made them more real.
I think opening up and talking to family, admitting I was in a really bad place was important for me. To talk to my family and say 'hey, I'm not just overweight, there's more to it than just that" was a turning point, and I encourage others who suffer from any illness, don't keep it to yourself as long as I did.
About two months passed and I was medication free and I was still thinking, 'just move' and I knew I needed to tackle my weight.
I was 33 and I didn't want to die and I didn't want my parents to grow old sad for me and what I had become.
It sounds ridiculous but my next 'just move' moment was going to buy some running shoes. These are the kinds of small steps I had to take - just one by one. As I wrote above though, even the smallest steps brought about obstacles, but by this point, I was now getting angry. I was fed up with the flack and the hurt.
I relate my journey to a broken down car. You can rev it all you like, kick it, talk to it and slam the doors as much as you like, but sometimes the only way to get it to start again is to ask for just a little bit. Push it gently just to get her rolling a bit and soon enough the momentum gets that engine going and off she's goes....
JOINING MAX'S CHALLENGE
As a 21 year old, I was super fit. Even had my fitness instructor and personal trainer qualifications! So after work recently I would watch Max's TV and one of my best friends Michelle would message me whenever it was on. It reminded me of much happier days and a time where I took pride in my discipline and gym routines.
By this time, this Chevy was going at a slow crawl with people like my best friend and my family pushing me along.
A few weeks ago, Michelle asked me if I'd received a parcel in the post. Sure enough, I got home that afternoon and there was a parcel at the door. I opened it and inside was a diary and a usb stick. She had written a message on the front page encouraging me to do Max's challenge (which I'd wholeheartedly said I 'might' look into).
On the USB were about 15 films clips from a time when, many years ago I trained as a kick boxer. Videos of me training and mucking around. I remember being so happy and so proud of myself back then. I used to train for a few hours every day back then - I first leant to run back then - at least 5ks every morning....
I shed a few tears of joy remembering that person I used to be.
On the 15th July I had made the decision to join Max's challenge. I was scared. I took the photos and I was horrified at what I saw. Those feelings of self-loathing and hopelessness came over me. I sat for about 2 hours sobbing to myself about who I had become. It was a short period of time where I came to truly accept where I was at. This honesty, no more denial, it meant I was going to die if things didn't' change today. This was life or death now.
This made me suddenly very angry and determined. I boldly put my photo up for the whole world to see. F**ck them all I thought! This is my life now - I'm going to die if I don't take action, no one is standing in my way. I will not ever, ever hide from the world again.
The Chevy had started!
That little engine had sparked to life and there was no stopping it. That life or death determination had firmly planted itself in my being. No one, no comment, no funny look was going to bring me down.
Don't get me wrong, I still get nervous in these first few days going to the gym but I feel better in myself. To me, the greatest challenge has been overcome - finding my drive.
Today, I stick to the meal and exercise plans easy as pie - because I have that drive. I feel better every day and where once I crossed the road when coming upon other people, I hold my head up high.
I've currently lost about 5kilos and I estimate I will reach my goal weight early in the new year - but, I have to say it's the journey and feeling awesome every day that is important not the destination. This was an important aspect of my moving forward - focus on today.
To anyone who can't find their mojo, their drive - my advice is, take that photo and take a bloody long hard look at yourself. The first step is being really honest about what's going to happen if you don't make a change. Make it a do or die scenario. Your survival instincts will soon sound alarm bells.
The next thing is - just move. Any small step is an achievement. One little step after another, just don't stop.
If like me, you are starting from a really low place, I encourage you to open up to your family and close friends and really express where you are at. Talk through a plan of attack. We can't do this alone, and a huge part of me finding my drive was family, friends and the incredibly supportive community of Max's Challenge.
It's early days yet, but I write this to cement my feelings, what I've been through and hopefully to encourage other overweight people to find their drive.
A huge thank you to all of you who have offered incredibly supportive comments already and to all of you who got me to the start line.
This journey will be a long one, but I make every day a small step and each with its own small achievements. Can't wait to see you all at the finish line.
X Brodie
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